worth it all

i woke up to my husband asking how i wanted to celebrate levi's birthday today as well as texts from my sister and a dear friend saying that they're praying for me today. minutes later, i learned that a young, healthy friend of mine had just suffered a serious heart attack. without much time to reflect over anything, i hurried to get my three month old to her doctor's appointment, where i learned that she is in perfect health. 

so. many. emotions. the word's to bethel church's "it is well" echo in my head. tears stream down my face. my little levi would be three years old today. three. three years i never experienced with him. three years of pain. three years of healing and hope and joy. 

somewhere, somehow along the journey of losing levi, i have learned some things that every Christian longs to know but is terrified to earnestly pray. knowing Jesus, really knowing and experiencing him, is worth. it. all. i have spent my Christian life singing songs like "knowing you," "all in all," "worth it all," and "it is well" and believing that i meant them. but since losing levi and truly being in the pit, in the depths of despair, i have realised that i had no idea what they meant. 

a quote in today's devotion from oswald chambers says, "How many of us are expecting Jesus Christ to quench our thirst when we shold be satisfying Him! We should be pouring out our lives, investing our total beings, not drawing on Him to satisfy us." and it's so true. why doesn't Jesus make us happy? why doesn't he answer all our prayers the way we want him to? why do we have to suffer? why doesn't he bless us for our obedience and devotion to him?

because we exist to bring him glory, to seek him, to know him, and to be like him in his suffering. and because his ways are HIGHER than our ways. if we truly believe these things, everything else makes sense. 

you know what else? to know Jesus is to know that he is GOOD. all the time. in ALL circumstances. in death. in suffering. in all things, he is good, and evil cannot abide with him. 

i have come to the point in my walk with Jesus where i can say in all honesty that knowing Jesus as i knew and experienced him in the days and weeks and months after levi's death was worth it all. {it was worth losing my son to know Jesus that intimately.} when you feel like you can't breathe without him, that you want to die without him, suddenly nothing stands in the way of experiencing him. when you're so desperately in need of a Saviour, THE Saviour, all expectations and subconscious requirements for who you want Jesus to be fly out the window.

and he's there. and he always was. and nothing, no one, not even my precious son for whom i weep today, can ever compare to the greatness, the sweetness of knowing Jesus. 

three years later and i have yet to experience such intimacy again. the fault is purely mine. life has moved on, and i have slowly allowed other things to take up the intimate crevices of my heart that are meant for Jesus alone. i long for that raw intimacy again. 

so on this, levi gideon surell's third birthday in heaven, i rejoice knowing that, although i lost my precious baby, i gained a gift that is so much sweeter, and i will be forever grateful to my sweet boy for giving it to me. happy birthday, sweet boy! one day we will celebrate together! i love you so much!